Burning “Gay” Questions – The Results

Last Wednesday I posted about several topics that I had been pondering for some time:
1. Fingers – why 1, 2 and then 3?
2. Gaydar – Does it exist?
3. Rimming – What’s it all about Alfie? And does the giver get as much pleasure as the receiver?
4. Taste Test – What does come (or cum) really taste like?

You guys had a gay old time (couldn’t resist) with these topics. I can only conclude because it was a cold, dreary winter day in most of these parts, except in Hawaii and Australia where some of you live and are not ashamed to admit it, that you were bored and looking to have some fun to take your mind off the economy and the weather.

Did we reach any conclusions on these topics? Well, yes and no, but you sure had a lot of opinions. I’m posting a selection of comments for some of you bastards and baitches who are too lazy to read them all or who didn’t participate but are getting the benefit of all this scientific research. I present your Results

Fingers: You pointed out correctly that there is no fun in pain (except, of course, if you’re a pain slut, but that’s another poll, hee hee) and therefore s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g was the operative word. Please remember that what I was querying was not the need to stretch before anal sex, by whatever means, but I was questioning why almost every M/M author set up this scenario by describing the preparation the identical way, somewhat like living in an alternate universe where everyone and everything is programmed. The author who got me thinking about this (who shall remain nameless unless she chooses to reveal herself) had this to say a few months ago I do have to laugh as well because there are phrases I see in stories that to me are “tired” and becoming annoying for me. For example: one finger in, then two, then three. Heck, stick the whole fist up there, why don’t ya?

Here are some of your comments

See now the whole finger thing — it’s like a formula. That bugs me. Sometimes you can get by with a single finger…sometimes you have to wine and dine that hole with enough lube, both hands, your tongue and it still wont happen. And then, you know if you’re drunk enough, you might not even need lube or stretching (internal vs external lubrication). If authors mixed it up more, I’d be better, but it’s sort of a shorthand they’ve all learned and then copy.

Anal sex without proper stretching hurts like a motherfucker. It’s indescribably painful, and that is NOT a sexy or good pain for most people, male or female.

Then again, if writers deviate from the “one-two-three and wheee, away we go!” there are bound to be readers who say, “Whoa, hold yer horses, bucko. You can’t take shortcuts with this; shortcuts result in pain and injury.”

ONE finger…TWO fingers…THREE fingers…oh, I love counting fingers bwahahaha. Count Chocula moment. It makes sense because that’s what all the sex books say? As for writing a fictional love scene, I find introducing fingers allows for seductive buildup, particularly if the recipient is a virgin while we, the reader, know this is a new experience for him.

So whether a butt-fuck scene shows excruciating care or reckless impetuosity on the characters’ part, someone is bound to think it isn’t realistic. I show stretching because it’s my own experience that jumping right in hurts like you wouldn’t imagine. That may not be so for someone who does anal a lot, but… uh, I’m verging into TMI territory.

I only hope, jw, that this post hasn’t encouraged your readers to start doing stretching exercises on themselves. It’s best to have a coach, or at least a spotter, for such things. just helps ease the way and I suppose it depends on how big your fingers are.

My three fingers are much smaller than some guys two fingers I know. Stretch, stretch, stretch.

My ex-hubby loved ass play, and after the first time or two where I used finger(s), we bought a slim dildo/vibrator that was actually shaped like a large finger. He adored that thing. I guess it took care of several “itches” for him, and though he never even hinted that he might be bi-curious, I can’t help but now wonder…

Gaydar: The “eyes” have it. Those of you who offered an explanation of this seventh sense said that it was more intuitive than anything else but the majority agreed that it had to do with a look, a sense of being, subtle non verbal clues …..

Beats the hell out of me. If it exists I don’t seem to have it. Maybe only gay people have gaydar. Those of us who are extremely unobservant and/or just don’t give a damn about sexuality or social groupings have really crappy or nonexistent gaydar

But, you know, if you’re sitting in a Gay Bar in West Hollywood, and someone of the same sex sits down next to you leans in close and smiles… you don’t have be a rocket scientist.

Just use your common sense. I think this is true even for ‘gaydar.’ Everyone picks up subtle, non-verbal cues when dealing with other people. You get a sense that someone you’re speaking to is anxious to change the subject, is attracted to you, is annoyed but trying not to show it. Some are more intuitive than others, of course, and better at picking up on these things.

As far as gaydar, I think some people are just more intuitive and/or observant than others, which makes it easier for them to pick up on subtleties. And maybe practice helps?

As for how men find out – in places they aren’t sure? Pretty much don’t, as far as my gay friends tell me. They might throw out flirty lines and see what sort of reaction they get – in shops, in public. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. And that’s in a world where it’s generally not illegal!

Gaydar. I think it has to do with how perceptive a person is. Everyone has tells, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re reading them correctly. I’ve known a gay man who was as butch as you could possibly get; I’ve known straight men who really, really should have been flaming. And people who have gay friends are going to be more attuned to it. I’ve written it both ways, but it seems most realistic to me that there will always be at least some doubt. Lord knows, many people are seriously clueless.

It’s a good question and I suppose Gaydar is really something that’s all in the eyes. Does that make sense? Oh sure, people can go on about effeminate mannerisms (which certainly apply to only a small percentage of gay men) or some other visual cue, but for me, what trips my gaydar is when I look at another man right in the eye and he returns the look with interest (he holds the stare, doesn’t scowl, maybe even smiles). Basically, though, unless you’re a flaming queen (and there’s nothin’ wrong with that!), no one can really tell conclusively that you’re gay…unless you want them to

…..but another friend’s bf – a more quiet, sober, accountant-type……apparently went to the age of 38 without either seeking or finding some gay fun. Part of that was due to his own shyness, but he found it very difficult to spot other gay people – or be spotted as such! The whole issue of finding romantic company is harrowing and tricky enough. How much worse can that be if you don’t even have the starting point of the potential field being made up of people obviously of the opposite sex?!

I was traveling with a friend who is gay last year and while visiting a mosque two Japanese guys asked us to take a picture of them. After they walked away my friend leaned toward me and asked “don’t tell me you didn’t see? A little gay couple!” I looked again at the two guys and to me they didn’t look any gayer than most people. I asked him “how do you know these things?” He shrugged and said “We do, that’s all”.

Gaydar – I think it’s a skill that can be developed like any other if an individual is motivated enough. My husband THINKS he has it and is currently crushing on Rachel Maddow. Haven’t bothered to burst his bubble. Yet.

Gaydar. I dunno. I didn’t even call Clay Aiken, so clearly I know nothing.

Gaydar. I has it. Don’t know if it’s the way a guy carries themselves, or the way they walk or talk, but my gaydar is rarely wrong. And the ones who deny it are frickin liars *g*.

This question has already been answered better than I could ever have. Normally I wouldn’t approach a man in public just because I think that he could be gay. Dating is far more easier in a gay environment like a gay party or dating sites like GayRomeo.com

I call my gaydar my spidey sense since I love Spiderman) Whenever I think I see a gay man I say “My spidey sense is tingling”. To answer your question Wave. IMHO, its almost akin to female intuition. Its like a feeling. But theres a catch it because you cant always go off on stereotypical mannerisms bc you can have het men who can be effeminate and really be gay. And you can have the most masculine acting man be totally gay. So sometimes my gaydar be on point.

Rimming: Did I ever open a can of worms with this one. EVERYONE had an opinion! Wow, I didn’t realize that so many people practiced this until I started reading gay erotica where it’s more prevalent than het or M/M books, although they are catching up. In real life you guys are way more experienced than I thought and rimming is definitely the new aperitif before partaking of a feast for the sexual gourmet.

“Rimming” or “tossing a salad” are just a couple of metaphors for the act known less delicately as “eating butt” or for those of a more clinical semantic bent, analingus.

Some of rimming’s thrill comes from the fact that is just seen as dirty. Yeah, it feels good but having someone’s tongue up your ass is pretty intimate.

Here is one lengthy but very informed response

But how safe is putting your tongue where the sun don’t shine? …. I am not a doctor, nor have I ever even played one on TV, so what I say here should not be construed as medical advice. …….so take it with a grain of salt…or a shot of penicillin…or a hepatitis vaccination. Which brings me to my first point: hepatitis. Other than winding up with a shit-eating grin, your biggest risk when it comes to rimming is contracting hepatitis, A or B, maybe even C. Face it, butt munchers, the easiest way to get hepatitis is through fecal matter and you’re bound to come into contact with some if you go sticking your nose (and your mouth) in a loved one’s butthole, however tight, pink, hairy or beautiful that little rosebud may be. The good news here is that you can allay many of your worries by visiting your doctor and getting yourself vaccinated against the dreaded virus. Then you can munch away with abandon, bearing in mind that you have NOT been vaccinated against other nasty little critters you could pick up this way, like parasites. As with most any gestures of affection, you must weigh the risks and benefits of any such display and decide what is right for you. Keeping your nose out of others’ business is your decision, as an educated consumer. So, dear ones, I close with two cliches: bottoms up! And *bon appetit*!

It’s very taboo, which adds a scintillating element to the practice. It’s also about as intimate as it gets sexually, so it can add depth to a love scene in showing just what one partner is willing to do for the other. With that being said, rimming in real life should only be practiced on a freshly-washed partner for hygienic and health reasons.

Yes please! Fun stuff, yes it is. Not that anyone could tell that from my books or anything…

Rimming isn’t just for the boys, either. I’ve been on both the giving and the receiving end, and I can tell you that both rock.

I just want to add that while women can enjoy rimming, but we don’t have the same nerve endings down there that men do.

Getting rimmed is mindblowingly amazing (if you like anal play) because it’s all pleasure and no pain at all

I’ll take on the rimming question and say that I have only recently started writing it in my M/M books. I think when I first started writing it seemed like going too far and I think the readers might have felt the same. However, M/M is getting so much more popular and prevalent that we’re all jaded (readers and writers too) so who knows what we’ll resort to next to push the envelope?

Taste Test: Come or cum: (What’s the correct spelling anyway?) What does it really taste like? One would think you were all gourmands the way you dived into this topic and gave us the benefit of your taste tests. Some of you even vowed to check out some raspberries on your own as a scientific experiment. Your responses covered all the food groups from being a vegetarian (it’s apparently sweeter, except if you eat a lot of asparagus – who knew?) to carnivores, to drinking (apparently you can taste Scotch) to smoking which I guess gives new meaning to blow it out your … Here are some of your thoughts –

Taste, definitely not chocolate (too bad), but not something to make a person sick either. Definitely can change a bit with food/drink and from person to person. I do believe there are ways to make a difference, most often with alcohol or juices.

At the Ren Faires I used to attend, men gorged on apple juice to sweeten themselves, as well as drinking lots and lots of water to ease the bitter taste. As I’ve experienced this all the way around, I agree with those methods. As a daily thing with no planning I prefer not to taste at all, much less swallow although I do very much enjoy the process to that point. It does vary from man to man.

Hokay, I’ll address the cum issue. Reluctantly. In the interest of scientific inquiry. It’s been my … oops, I mean my friend’s experience that the taste does indeed change depending on what’s recently been ingested. Scotch is the one flavor that most readily comes (no pun) to mind. And the taste is apparent whether you swallow or not. My friend does, by the way, recommend swallowing, since it’s allegedly a very erotic and intimate experience.

Personally I think it has a weird watery taste… and yes I know water doesn’t have a taste, but that’s how I personally think of it

Taste is definitely different from one man to the next. Different enough that to me some is quite tasty and lickable and some…not so much.

With cum…heck it depends. I know when my guy’s been smoking more than normal. It also varies though with how stressed he is or if he’s been sick. I would never ever think of it as tasting like raspberries…you know unless you’ve got some flavored lube mixed in

It’s been my … oops, I mean my friend’s experience that the taste does indeed change depending on what’s recently been ingested. Scotch is the one flavor that most readily comes (no pun) to mind. And the taste is apparent whether you swallow or not. My friend does, by the way, recommend swallowing, since it’s allegedly a very erotic and intimate experience.

And finally –

Snort…and reading the post and responses to SG: He says salt, no such thing as gaydar and we’re going to go work on the whole fisting thing after a strenuous bout of rimming. I vote for he’s being a slut

Shopping List: posted by one person who shall remain nameless

– raspberries

-apple juice



-one of Rick’s books (don’t know how that slipped in)

The quotes used here are from actual people, NOT aliens who were on earth to check out the ‘locals’. There apparently was a party going on on the blog which I missed because I fainted when I read some of the comments and had to be revived. Advice to all the guys – drink lots of juice to sweeten the taste and don’t have your partner eat asparagus just before partaking. *g* I would like to thank everyone who participated in my first informal poll of this year. You certainly gave me a lot of ammunition for future polls. In closing, I asked you not to discuss fisting on the blog because this is a family show, but you went there regardless. I won’t say anything more about it except …. that’s a topic for another poll!! Did we reach any conclusions? You betcha *g*

Fingers: It’s all about the s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g. So whether you use 1, 2 and 3 or a dildo, just make sure you do your stretching exercises and as someone commented, make sure you have a coach or spotter.

Gaydar does exist if you’re intuitive (spidey sense) OR if you can hold a guy’s gaze for more than 10 seconds and he doesn’t punch you in the face

Rimming – apparently most of you know about this from personal experience (how else can you account for all the knowledge you imparted?) :DDD

Taste Test – It’s all about different food groups. Lots of juice and don’t have asparagus before partaking (either of you) and the raspberries theory is probably being tested somewhere right now.:)

A few commenters did talk about viscosity, but that’s a topic for another poll. As with all new trials, if you want to do something for the first time that you read about here, do what Dr. Rick said: Take precautions and get checked out first by a REAL doctor. *g*

ALL of the comments are on the blog at

And that’s a wrap. Till next time boys and girls.


I live in Canada and I love big dogs, music, movies, reading and sports – especially baseball


  • Nadja
    I’m sorry, but you can’t stay away for a whole week and not expect to miss some good stuff. This was the most fun poll I ever ran, bar none, and there were the most participants because apparently I struck a nerve.

    When you find the link please send it and I will add your comments to the poll (even though you were SO late) *g*

    You can taste medications? WOW. Let me know about the raspberries.

    I hope you were able to read the actual comments – I could only include a few excerpts for The Results.

    Be sure to be on time for the next poll which should be in a couple of months. I already have a few topics I’m mulling over.

  • How did I miss this? I’m not around for a week and the funnest posts show up. What an awesome discussion.

    I have an automatic eye-roll response to the fingers thing. It’s become such a cliché, and like all clichés should be used with extreme caution. Someone mentioned that a lot of writers (and readers) “grew up” with the fingers-scenario and simply stuck to what they knew (especially those inexperienced fanfiction writers we used to be ten, fifteen years ago *g*).

    Gaydar, it’s in the shoulders and hips. Body language experts figured out that most gay men lead with their hips when they walk, where as most straight men lead with their shoulders when they walk. (Let me try to find the study I read. I didn’t save the link, dang it.) For most of us that just comes down to being in tune and observant, like everyone commented.

    Rimming, yes, oh yes.

    You can taste some medications and that’s just nasty *runs off to buy raspberries*.

  • Uh…my rabbit doesn’t mind the smell?

    Or maybe it does, because I keep killing them…the rotating pearl thingies get knocked off track and the bunneh on top stops hopping. I should stop smashing their faces into my vajayjay. *so* rude.

  • Emmy
    Since you only shower once a week does this mean sex only once a week as well?

    I’m not going anywhere today – no need to poke my head outside other than to pick up the papers. Did you say you put on the heater when the temperature gets to 70F (24C)? That is unbelievable. I still have the A/C on at that temperature. *g*

  • Also hates to offend…which is why I shower at least once a week *g*.

    -20??? Jayzus Gawd, my subzero freezer doesn’t get that cold! Kid you not, I turn my heater on when it gets 70F here, which is the Hawaii version of a midwinter freeze.


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