Before you get all upset and everyone starts throwing things or smacking me around, which is not a nice thing to do anyway, I want to say upfront that this is a fun post, so don’t get your shorts (or lacy underthings) in a twist….
I call M/M romances “condom fest” because that’s what they are. Everywhere I turn in an M/M story – except for sci fi, historicals or paranormals – (more about that later) condoms are flying every which way in every colour of the rainbow. 🙂 Did I say rainbow? Sorry, that was a slip of the tongue but very appropriate.
Have you noticed that het romances don’t have many condoms (comparatively speaking) even though the hero and heroine are going at it like gangbusters and the heroine’s sexual past is just as spotty as that of a gay man’s? Is there a double standard? Of course part of the reason could be because in M/M there are usually two dicks in play, while in het romances there may only be one dick at a time, unless it’s a menage in which case there could be up to four. It is a fact that there are fewer condoms in het romances. How else can you explain why so many heroines get pregnant with the Sheikh’s baby, or the boss’s sperm finds its way up the va jay jay some starry night and a few months later, lo and behold, the secretary has a little whatever his name is.
I thought that the theme song for this post should be “Imagine” by The Beatles. Of course Larissa – damn her for being so young – will probably ask me who the hell are these dudes, The Beatles, and whether they are a new Goth group. 🙂
“Imagine there are no condoms
It’s easy if you try
No latex between us
Above us only sky (or sheets of cum)”
……. sorry, I lost my rhythm there but I think I make a pretty OK poet 🙂
Picture an M/M book without condoms:
First: The book would be a hell of a lot shorter. Think of how much time the guys spend either putting one on, taking it off, tying it off, (yes, Virginia, they still tie them off and I have no idea why someone would want to hold those slimy f**kers long enough to tie them off – ask the authors), wrapping them in tissues, and then aiming for the garbage cans and missing.
Second: Many condoms would no longer go to landfill sites. Do you have any idea about the number of condoms in M/M romances? At the current rate that the protags have sex in M/M stories today, that’s at least 20 x 2 condoms per novella. So 40 condoms at minimum are used before the HEA, and if the book is novel length you have to double that number to 80. (I’m pretty good at math). 🙂 Of course authors could reduce the amount of sex in the books and this would mean less condom action, but I’m told that because these are ‘erotic’ romances the ‘rule’ is they need to have the guys in bed for at least one third to one half of the book. hee!
Third: Publishers would lose a lot of good mojo with those readers who insist on condoms at all costs in their M/M books, even with committed couples – again, I don’t know why. It’s not as if it means anything. Remember, these stories are fantasies. Read on ……
Fourth: A lot of the dialogue and prose in these books would be eliminated. For example, Guy #1 wouldn’t have to ask Guy #2 if he was “clean” since that wouldn’t matter, and Guy #2 wouldn’t need to answer. I’m wondering, since I haven’t read many het romances recently, what do they ask in place of the much hated “Are you clean”? The other preliminary “getting to know you” stuff such as “What size do you take? I have extra, extra small to jumbo” would also not be necessary, and the protags would go at it sooner, so all you would hear would be grunts in place of full sentences. 🙂
Fifth: The guys would not need to be constantly going out for “supplies”. No condoms = no shopping, and we all know that men hate shopping. Of course they would still have to buy lube, but if they didn’t have any in the house they could always use what they did in the ‘old’ days – good old lard. 🙂 Or olive oil. If OO reminds you of cooking, what about a nice pat of butter? Sorry, there goes that cooking thingy again.
Sixth: There would be no need for all of that ribbed, fancy stuff. The guys would not have to use “girly” condoms in different colours that tough cowboys hate. After all, real cowboys who may use a condom or two just want basic white stuff.
Seventh: Think of all the money the guys would save if they didn’t have to buy all of those condoms they use in M/M romances. Who normally buys them anyway – the pitcher or the catcher?
Eighth: Gone would be the horrible taste of latex while performing oral sex. Have you noticed lately that more and more of the guys in M/M romances are using condoms for oral sex? I wonder if this happens in het romances as well?
Ninth: Some of my fun in reading paranormals, historicals and sci fi would be watered down. I’m sure you’ve noticed that these books have no condoms. Whoever invented the excuse of why there was no need for condoms in these books (weres, vamps etc. can’t catch STD’s) is a genius. Now if only they could fix contemporary M/M. hmmmm……..
Tenth: If there were no condoms editors would be able to spend their time editing instead of checking to see whether M/M authors had the appropriate “outerwear” or “raincoats” on their guys. They won’t have to point out all the time “you missed a few dicks.” Sorry, I meant “a few spots.” 🙂
Eleventh: Those readers, publishers, editors and authors who are having heart failure right about now imagining gay men in contemporary M/M romances without condoms, take a deep breath. These books are fantasies just like paranormals, sci fi and historicals. Whenever I complain about characterizations the authors tell me that the characters are not supposed to be like real people, they are products of their imaginations. So having said that, who are the authors really doing the condom thingy for? If the protags are not real people how can they catch real people diseases? Just asking! Are we trying to educate real gay men about safe sex? Newsflash: The few real gay men who read M/M don’t really need M/M romances to teach them about safe sex. Pssst, I think they already know . 🙂 Just saying 🙂
Twelfth: Publishers’ guerilla or stealth marketing tactics will no longer generate the goodwill that they have built up in the past with the condom manufacturers. Currently publishers could probably ink a deal with Trojan to mention condoms x number of times in each M/M book and Trojan would give them a kickback based solely on the number of “condom moments.” That promotional opportunity would be gone in a flash if condoms went the way of the do do bird.
Thirteenth: I’m still thinking about this. But while I’m thinking about another fantasy, do you think that those characters in M/M romances who are really hung (you know the ones I mean), are they available only to other guys? Okay I know they’re gay, but if they’re looking, I’m available ………. that’s my fantasy. 🙂
I hope that the authors, publishers, editors and readers of M/M romances have a sense of humour or I’m sunk. 🙂
This post is commercial free. Tune in next week when I’ll have another episode of “As The M/M World Turns.” Next week’s episode is about fantasies. You’ll really like that one. 🙂
BTW Kassa I did not steal the picture of condoms on a clothesline from you. I used it first right after I stole it from JenB, another blogger friend almost 2 years ago when I did my first condom post. 🙂