Jaye’s #2 Reason for Loving the Internet

Acid-washed jeans strategically ripped at the knees. Perfectly distressed bomber jacket left open to reveal a plain white T-shirt. A diamond stud in my lone pierced ear (the right ear, naturally). My hair-metal mullet expertly coiffed and held in place with half a can of Aqua Net.

Welcome to 1989.

It doesn’t seem so long ago, but boy, how the world has changed since then. Aside from the notoriously bad fashion trends, 1989 is noteworthy as the year when the Internet began to transition from being a tool for scientists and academicians to a way of life for the rest of us regular folk. Today, we take for granted the fact that we can jump on the Internet at any time of day, chat with people who live on the other side of the planet, and purchase goods we may not have easy (or any) access to otherwise.

My life became a whole lot more interesting and far less stressful as the Internet grew, particularly regarding my libido-related habits.

In 1989, in order for me to purchase a dirty magazine, a naughty book, a porn video, or a new sex toy to add to my ever-expanding collection, I had to visit a store in person. I KNOW! Although in some ways I prefer the experience of examining merchandise firsthand and comparing products side by side, what I don’t miss is the inevitable, excruciating, slow-motion walk of shame to the checkout counter.

Back in the days before Netflix and Redbox, before every shopping district contained a Blockbuster, there existed a quaint business entity colloquially referred to as the neighborhood video store. These small, family-owned businesses were typically located in strip malls and shopping plazas, wedged in between the coin-op laundry and the cut-rate liquor store. Most of the video joints of that era had one thing in common—the back room, usually partitioned from the rest of the store by a tacky curtain made from strings of Mardi Gras beads.

But oh, what joy I found in those back rooms! (No, not that kind of joy—that was a different store). I could rent classic titles like Gold Rush Boys, Big Guns, Sunstroke, The Bigger The Better, and one of my favorites, Powertool!

"Heat in the Night" (a.k.a. "I Totally Didn't Know You Could Do That With Briefs!")


 

 

And then of course there was sassy, sexy Rex Chandler in “Heat in the Night.” Check out the awesome undies and the vintage 1989 Duran Duran ‘do! Movies like these are hilarious to watch now, what with the dated hairstyles, the Coppertone QT orange tans, the ridiculous attempts at actually having a plot (why, oh why?), and the nonstop wakka-chukka-wakka-chukka-bow-bow-bow music.

Ah, the memories!

 

 

Oh, oh, oh! I can’t forget Tim Lowe in the Boot Camp movies! OMG, did I have the hots for that boy back in the day. :pant: And no, my taste in men hasn’t changed very much over the past two decades, Wave.  😆

Tim Lowe in "Boot Camp I." Thank God for sequels.

Camouflage in 1989, the new gold lamé.

 

Let me tell you, I went through more VHS-players in the early 1990s than Dolly Parton went through brassieres.

At last, I was able to sate my lust for hot, horny men in the safety and privacy of my home! But first, the dreaded checkout counter.

It never failed that the sexy young guy who was behind the register when I entered the back room would magically become his ancient grandmother by the time I came back out, making my walk of shame that much more painful. I would peek through the tacky bead-curtain to make sure there was no one else in line, then I would race to the counter with my unwieldy collection of bulky VHS tapes and struggle not to make eye contact with the clerk.

 

The entire transaction took no more than a minute but seemed like hours, every single time. I repeated the agony at the sex-toy boutique when making my scandalous purchases and at the naughty book-and-magazine emporium. I began to think that one guy’s grandmother worked everywhere.

Enter the Internet, the best invention in the entire history of mankind since

Vodka: It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore!          and          Gun Oil Lube: Don't Leave Home Without It..

 

Thanks to CERN (those wacky Large Hadron Collider people in Switzerland who more or less created the Intarwebz as we know it and are now trying to figure out how to form a super-massive black hole under the Alps . . . or something), I no longer have to deal with the walk of shame or personally interact with a sufficiently judgmental-looking cashier who looks like That Guy’s Grandmother.

All it takes for me satisfy my carnal cravings now is a few mouse-clicks and a credit card, and voila!

The infamous Shiny Purple Ass Missile. Don't ask.

Dirty books, magazines, another new toy, and all without ever having to stand at a checkout counter going :whistle: and  :blush: and then :escape: !

See, the Internet really is for porn!

Of course, now it’s nearly impossible for Reno* to get me to leave the house . . . .

So, what are some of your reasons for loving the Internet? Communicating with out-of-town relatives? Keeping tabs on the latest natural disaster? Smut? This inquiring mind wants to know.

 

Have a safe and happy weekend!   :beer:

–Jaye

* Jaye’s #1 reason for loving the Internet. We would have never crossed paths without it. 

:biglove:

34 comments

  • What an entertaining post, Jaye! You do make me smile. Thank you. 🙂

    And OMG, AquaNet was :god:! That and a good crimping iron.

    What I love about the Internet is, it allowed me to work anywhere in the world that I could plug in and log on. It introduced me to some truly amazing and incredible people — most of whom I’ve met in person — who are to this day cherished friends. It enabled me to take off for three years of traveling and kicking about on three continents by staying at the homes of friends I’d met online.

    Then of course there’s Internet shopping and banking. I think I’ve bought three postal stamps in the last year. I can hit up iTunes and buy the track I love without having to buy the whole album and be pissed that seven of ten tracks suck. I can even order take out online. And like you said, as a writer I can not only research for stories with ease — right down to an area’s native grasses — but also take workshops and courses to learn and improve. S’all good, I say.

    Reply
  • Hahaha now you jus t made my morning with this post! You are awesome! And I really feel for you, but looking back those memories are hillarious! 🙂

    I still love the look of young men (or women) checking out the porn section in stores nowaways. Some of them are located next to the action flicks. Those flighty looks and half grins. So funny.

    Reply
  • We used to live in Geneva for a few years very close to Cern and had a whole selection of doomsday type jokes about how those scientists were going to blow us up!

    Apart from the shopping and ebooks my favourite use of the internet is to help me fix various crises around the house. I am constantly googling things like, “Why is my hot water tank leaking?” or “Signs your house is being eaten by termites” or “My f*&*%ng [insert software program here] is frozen AGAIN! How do I fix it?” The internet has saved my life and sanity on several occasions. 🙂

    Reply
    • I keep tabs on what information is coming out of CERN’s Large Hadron Collider project because I’m a science geek like that. It’s fun watching how the project shows up increasingly in fiction. e.g., Dan Brown’s “Angels & Demons” and more recently the (unfortunately 😥 ) short-lived television series “Flashforward.” Reno and I had an idea for a novel just a few weeks ago where we would harness one of the concepts they are trying to prove with the LHC and put a fun (well, not so fun for the character, perhaps, but fun for us to write) twist on the outcome. Our list of story ideas keeps growing, but sadly the number of hours available in the day do not.

      And yes, yes, yes! Home improvement projects have become exponentially easier (and far less expensive) as a result of all the free do-it-yourself information available on the Internet. We just finished repairing a set of concrete stairs in our garden that would have been ten times more difficult and would’ve come out only half as nice had I not watched a video on the DIY Network’s website first about how to work with concrete patch. :happydance:

      Reply
  • Thanks for the funny and fun post Jaye. My experiences with Internet were a little bit different, growing up in different country and all that :). My brother built his first computer back home from the parts he bought on the flee market when he was fifteen or sixteen (but I was not allowed to touch it lol), so I got on the Internet for the first time when I was I think twenty five or twenty six (couple of years after I came here). Then my experiences become similar to many commenters here. As part of Harry Potter discussion group I met so many amazing people and some of them became my very good friends, not just internet buddies. And when I ventured into gay romance reading – OMG, OMG, I met even more fun people and of course shopping is so much easier. Oh and Internet helped me improve my writing too :). Thank you 🙂

    Reply
  • The internet has changed my life in so many ways I can’t count them. I was in Library school when I had an option to take a brand-new offering on the Information school side: a web-design class. This was in the early-ish 90s, the very infancy as we know the current web to be. The entire course worked toward a project of creating a single web page with a poorly-scanned image and some text. Get it to work and you got yourself an “A.” I was hooked. From there on, it was all about this new web thing, and even though I saw my MLS through, I’ve been doing web stuff professionally since (in and out of libraries).

    Other things others have already mentioned: shopping, banking, research and people. I certainly wouldn’t be here on this site if it wasn’t for the web. A Harry Potter fan who turned to fan fiction I found on the web (go Harry/Draco!!), who then moved to m/m free reading on Nifty, then somewhere along the way finding publishers of for-pay books online, then reviewing a few of those books on Amazon, then finding Wave’s site and hooking up from there. I’ve made friends all over the world. Wave, Christian and I work well together, even though she is in Canada, C in Germany and I am on the west coast of the US.

    I found my current abode on craigslist, and have bought and sold major items (cars, appliances, etc) via the same. In fact, someone recently asked me how to find a tenant for their open rental property and I couldn’t think of one thing that wasn’t online. I keep up with my family across the country via various online devices and I can even see them real-time via Skype if I want.

    I do remember what it was like before it and I can’t imagine life without it.

    And that experience you mention about the video store and back rooms and such? Me, too. My friends and I as late-teens wore out the carpet to the back room (we had group watching parties for fun), and never was I so embarrassed as when I forgot to return a video and they asked my PARENTS about it. I guess I never really thought about the fact that we had one family membership. :blush:

    Oh, and as an aside, I know someone who just got back from CERN, touring the facility and seeing where they make antimatter for her PhD research. Fascinating stuff.

    Reply
    • That’s a great story with the family video membership. 😆

      I can’t imagine life without the Internet, either. We lost power for almost three days this past week due to Hurricane Irene, and by the end of twenty-four hours I was already starting to get quite twitchy. :explode:

      Reply
      • Jaye

        and by the end of twenty-four hours I was already starting to get quite twitchy

        You’re such a liar. Reno said that you started to get on his nerves at about 6 hours in, not twenty four. 😆

        Last month our power was out for about 18 hours – luckily there are Starbucks everywhere so I called up a few of them on my cell and asked if they had wi fi, before I stopped by to spend a few hours with my laptop. 😀

        Reply
        • I don’t know if you have a Panera Bread location near you, but the wi-fi in their bakery-cafés is terrific. So are their Spinach & Bacon Soufflés and their Roast Beef Asiago sandwiches, which make the wi-fi even better. :eating:

          Reply

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