Jaye’s #2 Reason for Loving the Internet

Acid-washed jeans strategically ripped at the knees. Perfectly distressed bomber jacket left open to reveal a plain white T-shirt. A diamond stud in my lone pierced ear (the right ear, naturally). My hair-metal mullet expertly coiffed and held in place with half a can of Aqua Net.

Welcome to 1989.

It doesn’t seem so long ago, but boy, how the world has changed since then. Aside from the notoriously bad fashion trends, 1989 is noteworthy as the year when the Internet began to transition from being a tool for scientists and academicians to a way of life for the rest of us regular folk. Today, we take for granted the fact that we can jump on the Internet at any time of day, chat with people who live on the other side of the planet, and purchase goods we may not have easy (or any) access to otherwise.

My life became a whole lot more interesting and far less stressful as the Internet grew, particularly regarding my libido-related habits.

In 1989, in order for me to purchase a dirty magazine, a naughty book, a porn video, or a new sex toy to add to my ever-expanding collection, I had to visit a store in person. I KNOW! Although in some ways I prefer the experience of examining merchandise firsthand and comparing products side by side, what I don’t miss is the inevitable, excruciating, slow-motion walk of shame to the checkout counter.

Back in the days before Netflix and Redbox, before every shopping district contained a Blockbuster, there existed a quaint business entity colloquially referred to as the neighborhood video store. These small, family-owned businesses were typically located in strip malls and shopping plazas, wedged in between the coin-op laundry and the cut-rate liquor store. Most of the video joints of that era had one thing in common—the back room, usually partitioned from the rest of the store by a tacky curtain made from strings of Mardi Gras beads.

But oh, what joy I found in those back rooms! (No, not that kind of joy—that was a different store). I could rent classic titles like Gold Rush Boys, Big Guns, Sunstroke, The Bigger The Better, and one of my favorites, Powertool!

"Heat in the Night" (a.k.a. "I Totally Didn't Know You Could Do That With Briefs!")


 

 

And then of course there was sassy, sexy Rex Chandler in “Heat in the Night.” Check out the awesome undies and the vintage 1989 Duran Duran ‘do! Movies like these are hilarious to watch now, what with the dated hairstyles, the Coppertone QT orange tans, the ridiculous attempts at actually having a plot (why, oh why?), and the nonstop wakka-chukka-wakka-chukka-bow-bow-bow music.

Ah, the memories!

 

 

Oh, oh, oh! I can’t forget Tim Lowe in the Boot Camp movies! OMG, did I have the hots for that boy back in the day. :pant: And no, my taste in men hasn’t changed very much over the past two decades, Wave.  😆

Tim Lowe in "Boot Camp I." Thank God for sequels.

Camouflage in 1989, the new gold lamé.

 

Let me tell you, I went through more VHS-players in the early 1990s than Dolly Parton went through brassieres.

At last, I was able to sate my lust for hot, horny men in the safety and privacy of my home! But first, the dreaded checkout counter.

It never failed that the sexy young guy who was behind the register when I entered the back room would magically become his ancient grandmother by the time I came back out, making my walk of shame that much more painful. I would peek through the tacky bead-curtain to make sure there was no one else in line, then I would race to the counter with my unwieldy collection of bulky VHS tapes and struggle not to make eye contact with the clerk.

 

The entire transaction took no more than a minute but seemed like hours, every single time. I repeated the agony at the sex-toy boutique when making my scandalous purchases and at the naughty book-and-magazine emporium. I began to think that one guy’s grandmother worked everywhere.

Enter the Internet, the best invention in the entire history of mankind since

Vodka: It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore!          and          Gun Oil Lube: Don't Leave Home Without It..

 

Thanks to CERN (those wacky Large Hadron Collider people in Switzerland who more or less created the Intarwebz as we know it and are now trying to figure out how to form a super-massive black hole under the Alps . . . or something), I no longer have to deal with the walk of shame or personally interact with a sufficiently judgmental-looking cashier who looks like That Guy’s Grandmother.

All it takes for me satisfy my carnal cravings now is a few mouse-clicks and a credit card, and voila!

The infamous Shiny Purple Ass Missile. Don't ask.

Dirty books, magazines, another new toy, and all without ever having to stand at a checkout counter going :whistle: and  :blush: and then :escape: !

See, the Internet really is for porn!

Of course, now it’s nearly impossible for Reno* to get me to leave the house . . . .

So, what are some of your reasons for loving the Internet? Communicating with out-of-town relatives? Keeping tabs on the latest natural disaster? Smut? This inquiring mind wants to know.

 

Have a safe and happy weekend!   :beer:

–Jaye

* Jaye’s #1 reason for loving the Internet. We would have never crossed paths without it. 

:biglove:

34 comments

  • Jaye
    Your post put a huge smile on my face.

    Your experience in the late ’80s was similar to mine, except as a woman I felt even more shame than you did when I slunk (is there such a word?) my way to the cash register. All I was buying were dirty books but it seemed to me that every purchase could have been a sex toy or porn tape for all the difference it made. BTW it was even worse in Canada than in the US of A. 😮

    Now I can order practically everything I want from the Internet, except when they are from a US address I still have to wait and wonder if this is my day to be arrested if the guys and gals at the Customs station at the border don’t think my purchases pass their hallelujah test. 😯

    Great post Jaye. I needed a laugh today after last Friday when my whole world on the Internet went bust as the site was shut down.

    Reply
    • Confess: did you do the blue eye-shadow thing? :hysterics:

      I’m glad I could brighten your Friday since the last one kind of sucked. Great job, y’all, for getting it fixed so quickly and without losing anything! :god:

      Reply
      • Jaye
        Blue eye shadow on a black woman was not a good look even in the good old days. :hysterics: However I wore micro mini skirts because my legs were my best feature and swung my hips but I was so skinny I didn’t have much of those either. :blush:

        The team (Christian and Lynn) did a great job on the site but we’re not sure if anything is still lost out there in cyberspace. 🙂

        Reply
        • Trust me, the blue eye-shadow thing wasn’t a good look on anybody but that didn’t stop people from doing it anyway. 😆

          :muck: I was rockin’ the George Michael circa “Faith” look in 1989, except more mullet-y. :doh:

          Reply
  • Yes, your work is done. I have a big smile on my face.

    The internet has made me so lazy. I can do all my banking, pay bills, do research, and complete all my christmas shopping without having taking off my pj’s!!

    The entertainment value is immeasurable. We get exposed to fantastic authors like you.

    Now if I could only get paid for surfing the net……..

    Reply
    • Yeah, the bill-paying and banking aspect is very convenient, along with the shopping. I seriously :sendoutlove: me some Zappos.com. :hurray2:

      The internet has made me so lazy.

      I prefer to think of it as “efficient.” 😎

      And thank you. 🙂

      Reply
  • Thanks for the hilarious post 🙂 It’s so true! (It’s also weird to think about some younger people who will never have known life without internet.)

    I don’t know what my life would be like without the Internet. I live in a mellow, conservative area, so probably wouldn’t be into half the things I enjoy now! Although my college roommates first corrupted me…

    Anyways. I think the internet is great and life would be very lonely without it, living where I live…

    ..and I’d have fewer sex toys.

    Reply
  • Yes, how DID I ever manage to survive without online shopping?? 😕 LOL

    I suppose I love the internet for the people it’s allowed me to meet and the things it’s allowed me to do. Currently I find myself sitting in a hotel in Berlin with a dear friend who I met online. It didn’t matter that there was an ocean between us. We first bumped into each other on the internet due to similar interests, began emailing, and now I’m on an incredible vacation in Germany visiting her. Simply amazing. I can’t imagine my life without her. (Jaye– she is in fact the same glamourous German who is helping you and Reno with your research 😉 ).

    Also, I wouldn’t be a writer in my spare time without the internet. Who knew that there were so many other people who also liked to read and write about beautiful boys falling in love? 😀

    Thanks for another great post, Jaye! They always give me a great case of the giggles. :girl:

    Reply
  • Thanks for furn post! LOL I totally agree with you and kiracee above.
    The internet has been a culture changer and life changing.

    As for a lighter note FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!!!
    Sunday afternoons are forever changed (and DVRs). :happydance:

    Reply
    • Yes, the Internet has changed the way we watch television, too. I believe we’re on the brink of our computers, televisions, and telephones becoming coordinated devices running from a single, distributed hub. I think Apple’s new “iCloud” is going to move us one step closer to that eventuality.

      /geek :geek:

      Reply
  • Great post Jaye. Oh, why do I love the internet?
    #1: At the beginning of my relationship with my husband we had to do the long distance thing (Toronto/Nashville). So, this was a godsend. :loveyou2:

    #2, it allows me to entertain myself very well. I look at smut, read smut, meet new friends, keep up with old ones, find lyrics to obsolete songs etc. Whenever I’m online my husband assumes I’m looking at or reading gay porn. 😆

    Back when I was 18 a friend and I went into a second hand book store to buy some smutty books. When we went to pay for it the guy at the cashier looked at us and said “This is not for you” Really? So yeah.

    Reply
    • I have wild appreciation for the long-distance relationship aspect! 😀

      And your post reminded me of something else that I find very useful about the Internet—the IMDB! No more falling asleep agonizing over, “What the hell was that actor’s name?” :wallbash:

      Reply
  • I always love your posts, Jaye. It’s a great way to start my day. 😀

    I just discovered the social aspect of the internet last winter. Like Tam said, being able to talk to people all over the world who share my interests is amazing. For a social misfit like myself…no, I really don’t think I can find words to describe what that means to me.

    When I have questions (and questions is the one thing I’m never short of) I can always find answers online. Last night I researched Greek hoplites and military tactics of the ancient Romans and I never left my chair. Joy! And then there’s shopping!!! *cuinlove: And ebooks!! :hearts01:

    And yes, there’s porn :blush: because I lack your courage, Jaye.

    Reply
    • Thank you, Kiracee! And you bring up an excellent point that is one of my many reasons for loving the Internet.

      Without veering too far off on a tangent from my intentionally lighthearted post, research for writing has become exponentially easier as the Internet has blossomed. One of the reasons that writers are able to write faster these days is because of the instant access to limitless information.

      Back in the day, I would’ve needed to visit a library to consult a street map for a small town in South Dakota, and then the map may have been so far out of date to be useless. Or I would’ve placed an order with AAA for a map, and then wait for the map to be snail-mailed, and even then it wouldn’t have the detail required to make the place truly come alive with words.

      Now, I can go to Google Earth to look at that town, go into “street view” and virtually stand in front of houses and businesses. Not the same experience as actually visiting a location to soak up the local color, to be sure, but certainly a monumental leap from information readily available even twenty years ago.

      Reno and I would never have been able to write “Night and Fog” without the ease of access the Internet provides to historical data, reference material, the preservation of personal stories, not to mention the incredible access to bookstores and academic libraries.

      And of course, as others have mentioned, there are the people we never would have encountered. We’re blessed to have made friends with a lovely woman who has been brave enough to walk in our characters’ footsteps in one of the darkest, ugliest places on this planet. We wouldn’t have the benefit of her firsthand experience there or her precious friendship were it not for this little tool we take so for granted, as much as previous generations took for granted telephone and television so soon after those technologies were new.

      We’re an adaptable lot as a species, aren’t we? 🙂

      I have to wonder 😕 what’s next? Maybe those smart folks 💡 at CERN will figure out how teleportation works with that spiffy quantum racetrack they’ve built. 😀

      Reply
  • I like looking for hard to find stuff. Might not need it or buy it, just like the search. Around 15 years ago I asked my husband to buy a gay porn video for me. I didn’t think he’d do it, but that man has no shame. He’d beat you to the front of the line and proudly display his naughty purchase to grandma and anyone else.

    Reply
    • Locating hard-to-find stuff is a great reason to love the Internet. Reno recently ordered a prop to photograph for an upcoming book cover that we would’ve been hard-pressed to find were it not for the Internet.

      Reply
  • Ah the internet, how I luvz it.

    The best reason for the internet is people. Without it would I have a bestie in Perth Australia who will stalk gay porn stars with me in New York City? No. Would I be co-owning a blog with a good friend from Leeds England? No. Would I have a free place to crash in Chicago when I go on vacation? No. Would I have a freaking amazing pool party in Long Island with a couple of dozen friends? No. Would I find someone I can discuss twincest with who won’t freak out and run screaming? Hell to the noes.

    For me it’s been finding people of like minds. E-books are great. Sure porn and shopping for sex toys is easy and convenient, but it’s finding people that are like me out there. Wheeeeeee! :hurrah:

    Reply
  • Jaye, you make me have this great big smile on my face after reading your posts….thanks for that!

    As for my reasons for loving the internet….THE SMUT!!!!

    I am anxiously waiting for my kids to go back to school so I can get my daily dose of some good gay porn….I can not even click on tumblr when the are around. It has been one long summer.

    Can I just say that I give you credit for walking that walk of same cause I always made my then boyfriend(now hubby)make it!!

    Reply

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