Advisory: Except for the recipes, many of the links in this article are NSFW so be cautious when clicking.
It’s that time of year. The shopping panic begins. What do you get everyone? Where do you find the perfect gift for the perfect price? It never ends. The stress can lead to the consumption of copious quantities of spiked eggnog and shortbread cookies as the mental breakdown inches ever closer. But you can relax as I am here to make your life a little easier with my advice on the perfect gift for your loved ones.
These are a great gift if you think your lovemaking has become a little too serious of late. If you want to have a giggle in the bedroom they are ideal as I have it on good authority from a close friend that they are not all that sexy, but funny as hell. They seem taste like a cross between a fruit roll-up, plastic and chemicals (tasty) and are one size fits all … if you’re a runway model. To quote my friend “…they kept sliding down a bit on Freddie. And not in a sexy, seductive way. In a silly and stupid way.” So if you want to ratchet up the heat in the bedroom I’d say pass on these but if you are looking for a good chuckle they might be just the ticket. They are also reasonably priced as you can get them for less than $10. In my opinion, a better option would be the Edible Panties cocktail – 1 oz vodka, 1.5 oz cranberry juice and 1.5 oz of pink grapefruit juice. Yum. A few of those and you won’t care how unattractive those edible undies are
Another inexpensive stocking stuffer is condoms. Sure you can buy ridged, vibrating, neon, lubricated, thin, extra-larges at the drug store, but why go for the tried and true? Even if you are past the condom use point in your relationship they can add a little spice to that romantic interlude under the Christmas tree with Bing Crosby crooning White Christmas in the background. Oh wait, that’s my fantasy. TMI, sorry. For New Year’s Eve dress up the little (or not so little) man in a whiskey flavoured condoms? Mmm mmm good.or how about camo condoms for the soldier in all of us (IN all of us? Condoms? Get it? Sigh. Never mind.). There is the Christmas condom assortment and for those who play safe and use a condom for oral, how about
I have to say that I think these really are beautiful works of art. As for their practical use? Not so much. The idea of something glass “down there” freaks me out. Glass is dangerous, glass can break, glass is ouchy. However aesthetically they are gorgeous. They would make a great mantle decoration. Imagine the following conversation this Christmas:
Mother-in-law – I see you have some new artwork on the mantle this year dear.
You – Yes, they were a gift.
Mother-in-law – What are they? Mushrooms?
You – snicker Yes, something like that.
Mother-in-law – They are really pretty, maybe I should get spinster Aunt Barbara some, she’d love those.
You– gigglesnort Yeah, I ‘m sure she would. I’ll give you the website. smirk
Thunk Thunk Thunk (The sound of your SO banging their head on the coffee table.)
They aren’t cheap ($30 to $100 ) but they really are safe to use (so they say) and I think they would be a hit with any glass art (or dildo) lover.
Okay, we’ve determined that perhaps not everyone is comfortable using breakables in an intimate manner but what about regular dildos? BORING! Sure they come in magical colours and flesh tones, smooth or rough, metal, silicone, and wood. However if you really want to surprise your lover this year, how about a dragon penis dildo that actually squirts dragon juice at the critical moment? How cool is that? Or for the Aussies among us (and you know who I mean) how about one shaped like a Wallaby penis? (I do NOT want to know how they got that mould.) For the fantasy lover in all of us, try something unique and different, and just plain perverse. No one will call you boring in the bedroom when you whip out the dolphin dildo. They may call you freaking weird, but never boring.
What about games you ask. Games are always a fun and popular gift. Sure, there are sexy board games and naughty charades or naked Twister. But maybe you want to try something a bit more challenging, something that will inspire your competitive spirit. Then the perfect game for you is anal ring toss! Take turns and see who gets the most points. Make it more challenging, try to score wink wink while your partner runs around the house or does a little shimmy and shake. The hours of enjoyment are endless, or so I imagine.
I hope I’ve given you some ideas to help reduce your shopping stress this year. There’s something for everyone (or yourself) regardless of your budget or degree of refinement. Another advantage of my suggested gifts is that they can all be bought on-line (and arrive discretely wrapped in brown paper I’m sure) so you can avoid the hassle of the shops and just sit back and relax with a good book and some hot apple cider, mulled wine, or hot buttered rum (why not all three?) and wait for the fun to begin.
Happy shopping and have a super Christmas, Eid, Hanukkah, Solstice, Kwanza, Festivus or whatever you celebrate around this time of year. I wish all of the readers here many wonderful books to enjoy in 2010 and all of the authors much inspiration as we enter a new decade.