Last month Clare London asked me to join a number of esteemed persons who were writing wonderful posts on her Livejournal to celebrate her birthday. I had never done a post for someone else’s blog other than the DIK (Desert Island Keepers) so I had no idea what to write. I came up with the topic of Bright Shiny Guys in M/M romances and when Clare read it she had to change the designation of her Lj to “adult” on the day it was posted. 😀 (I have no idea why.) Because some of you have never seen this piece I asked Clare whether she would mind if I reprised the post here – so without further ado here is “Bright Shiny Guys”.
Why are most of the guys in M/M romances all bright and shiny ?
Sometime ago I did a post that asked the question “Where are all the ordinary people in books”. Many of you slapped me around and told me that book heroes were not meant to be anything like real people because we are all looking for fantasies. I’ll buy that, but couldn’t we have protagonists who look a little like people we know or see on the street, except maybe wannabe actors in Hollywood?
Many of the heroes in the books I read are twenty somethings with perfect hair that they flick back with a sexy twist of the head, and hard bodies with 6 packs. Can we have a guy with a two pack? Okay so I set my sights a little low for a book hero but if we look for people in RL like the ones we read about in books are we not asking for trouble? If I saw a guy on the street like the ones in my favourite M/M books I would probably want to ask him if he was in such and such story by Clare London or Ally Blue, and he would be thinking that maybe he should call the guys in the white coats.
I like bubble butts as I’m sure most of you do, but how many of the guys you know have those rounded melons that quiver and retract when touched? You know one? Well bully for you. Many men on the street – gay and straight – have ordinary saggy bottoms except maybe black guys who have natural, not genetically enhanced, well rounded asses (or arses as the Brits say). How do I know this? I’ve seen a few in my time on the links. Okay I don’t golf, but do you know a better place to check out men’s butts? You do? Where?
And what about the you know what? Okay, cock for those of you who are not too bright. I’ve been around a time or two and have seen some nice appendages, but the ones in books – OMG!!! I reviewed a book several months ago where the hero had massive balls, his cock had a giant head, and as for his butt cheeks – words fail me but if they squeezed anyone he would suffocate. 😀 I kid you not. If you think I’m lying or want to know the name of the book email me and I would be happy to share my intimate knowledge of his appendages, all of them. I think a little less of the oversized giant heads and sacs will go a long way authors.
Ladies, did you know that it’s erotic to have your balls and genitals shaved by a straight razor? (If you’re a guy of course.) What? You have balls? Must be a tight fit under your thong! I just learned about that a few months ago. Also, did you know that cold water makes the skin on a man’s sac contract, resulting in a tighter, closer shave? You should suggest to your guy some time that you give him a close shave down there with a straight razor, just before he has you committed. chuckle
Do you know any guys whose recovery time is as fast as the protagonists in m/m romances? I WANT one of those guys who can shoot and shoot and shoot buckets of sperm and never get soft. Oh joy!!! Alright I got carried away there, but how is it that guys in books never have a problem with recovery time? Do they have magic dicks?
In terms of looks, they are almost always handsome, 6 ft tall, never overweight, dark hair and green eyes, or blond with blue eyes. The main thing is they are never balding or fat, and songs have been penned to faces like theirs. Hello there authors – why are there no short, fat, balding guys with shit bown eyes in books? Maybe not that extreme because it would be kinda hard to imagine them as heroes, but a little toned down from the incredibly handsome hero would be realistic and bearable for those of you who are struggling with short, fat, balding partners. Not me – I have a dozen heroes I can call on at any time of day who are ready 24/7.
So what do I want in in a hero in the next book I read? My fantasy is a bright and shiny hero with long chesnut hair, green eyes, an 8 pack, retractable bubble butt, a big dick, and giant balls (shaved) who doesn’t know the meaning of the words “recovery time”. OR a handsome black dude (since I’m of that persuasion) with chocolate brown, velvety soft skin and dark slumberous eyes like mysterious pools of something, buns of steel that don’t move when you touch them but they may sometimes quiver or ripple, a normal sized thick 9 inch penis, bouncy balls, and lips that just beg to be kissed. Damn I have to stop writing, I’m getting hot.
Do you have an ideal hero? You can’t have mine but you can build your own damn guy.
BTW this post is tongue-in-cheek as I think the authors do a great job on their heroes, whether or not they have giant appendages. 😀