Another post about condoms. Sheesh, we have a one track mind here. But I had my idea before Leslie posted, I’m just slow. No penises involved in my post. No penises in condoms you say shocked? What’s the point then? It was something Wave said in one of her “coming up this week” posts. She said “Always use a condom, even if you’re not having sex.” and I thought “Hmmm. Interesting comment.” (Right after I thought “Oh God, she’s drinking again.”) What can I use a condom for if I’m not having sex? Are there any handy uses for the little multicolored, at times slippery, prophylactics? Should those of us not lucky enough to have a line of hotties at the bedroom door be contributing to Trojan’s profit margin? And if so how? Thus began my research and we all know how much fun “research” can be. At least all those authors keep telling me it’s for research purposes. Uh huh. Sure.
So I did a little thinking and a little Googling and came up with some options for those of you who maybe have a condom or 30 sitting around getting close to the dreaded expiration date. Lord knows we don’t want to use them past the best before date. So here some ideas for you.
1. It’s your child’s/spouse’s/Mom’s birthday and you completely forgot. You have to do something fun to make their morning a titch brighter. Balloons. Everyone loves balloons, they scream party and celebration. Time to break out the colored condoms and get together a little bouquet. How cute is that? Yes, I made that bouquet myself. My daughter thought it was lovely, after which she swore never to speak to me or acknowledge my existence in public again. I’m such a good Mom. As a bonus, not only does it look festive, but it smells amazing when you use the fruity ones. Tropical orange is especially appealing.
2. Uh oh. Hurricane, earthquake, natural disaster of some kind. You need water, lots of it. But you don’t have a bucket. No problem. Whip out a condom which will hold several litres of water and keep your family hydrated and alive. The slight latex flavour is unpleasant but not dangerous. Condoms save lives, in more ways than one.
3. Protect your gun barrel. No, not your “gun barrel”, jeepers, I said no penises. I found this one on-line. Are you out hunting with your buddies and it’s a bit rainy? It would be a shame to miss the big one because rain and mud got in your gun barrel so you simply slip a condom over the tip and voila, dry and safe. Just make sure you keep one for when it gets really boring in the duck blind. Oh come on, we all know what’s going on. They don’t come home walking like that from sitting in a cold wet tree all day.
4. Your bosses retirement party is a bore. Entertain your coworkers and their spouses with hilarious condom antics. Make yourself look like an alien. Heck, climb right inside. You’ll delight and amaze everyone. Just watch your star rise in the workplace.
5. Big date night with that perfect person? KZ Snow posted some of these pics on her site. Amazing garments made from condoms. Keeping your condom stash fresh is important so use up the extras making yourself a lovely spring frock and you’ll always be prepared for a little back alley action at the clubs.
6. Hair bands. At the pool and you forgot to bring an elastic for your hair? No problem. Just poke the end out of the rolled up condom and voila, hair with style.
7. It’s birthday party time for the kiddies. The clown forgot to show up. Dang. How can we keep adorable tots entertained? Balloon animals. Kids love balloon animals. You can even turn them into puppets. Who doesn’t love puppets?
So I hope I have given you some ideas of ways you can use your condoms out of the bedroom. If you have any other brilliant ideas please share them with everyone so we can all benefit from your wisdom and experience.
Happy Easter to all who celebrate. Hope the Easter bunny brings you something tasty.