When preparing to write this post I couldn’t for the life of me, decide whether or not I had anything to actually say. That’s tough for a guy like me to admit – you know, being all loud-mouthed and stuff. I pride myself on being able to provide a constant stream of information, albeit mostly of the completely useless variety, but still. I have my pride! :grumble: My short-comings notwithstanding, I wasn’t able to find a topic that I could really get behind. Nothing I could wrap my insanity around and really run with – pushing it to the next level by creating a thousand word or so blog post to showcase my inner brilliance…or insanity as the case may be…depending on each of your own individual opinions about the man-myth behind the homo that is me.
It was quite the conundrum as I had all sorts of smaller issues on my mind. Stuff which had been bugging me for months and years all equally important on the list of priorities inside my big-ole brain, but weren’t actually blog-post worthy in either scope or magnitude. I was left with feelings of unworthiness and ineptitude. It like, sucked and stuff. It was in that moment of despair that my inner cheerleader sprang into Bring It On style action, saying, “Don’t cry little homo! Instead of writing about one topic, you should share your insights about all of them!”
The clouds parted and the g-stringed, hunky man-angels populating the inside of my head began singing show tunes – backed by a club-thumpin’ bass beat no less. All was right in my sequined world once more. In the immortal words of Tim Gunn, I was gonna make it work! I know…like totally beautiful, right? But please, hold your applause, people. *suppressing my nervous giggle* Wait…so that was only me who was clapping? Well that’s not at all embarrassing. :blush:
Needless to say, all the stuff inside my head would take a great deal longer than we have time for here today. Much of it would likely frighten some of you, so I settled instead for a small sampling – things I felt many of you would understand and appreciate as surely I’m not alone out there. That being said, please place your trays in the upright position folks. The turbulence inside the sick and inner twistiness of my mind might be a smidge rougher than you’re used to. And on that note, I’ll get down to some of the things that make me go, Hmmm.
Has anyone out there heard of the Skinny-Jean? Let me be the first to admit that I immediately rushed to the mall after I heard of them, so excited that a piece of clothing could hold so much promise of a newer, thinner version of me. I have to wonder sometimes, where in the hell these people get off? These jeans did NOT make me skinny…at all. Quite the opposite! Perhaps I’ve watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants one too many times and my expectations have gotten totally outta control? Maybe I’ve seen one too many, so-called fashion emergency solved within the thirty minute confines of a Reality TV episode? I hate to go all gay-expose on your asses, but I feel like someone needs to sound the alarm. Skinny jeans are a total sham, people! Next time, say what you really mean marketing geniuses. In the Show-Me-State, we live and die by that simple mantra, which in this case would’ve meant calling them what they really are: Only-for-the-Skinny, Jeans.
Seriously…it’s an hour of my life and an afternoon of self-medicating with peanut M&M’s that I’ll never get back! 😀
Another head scratcher is when someone comes along and decides to offer up their very blunt and negative – yet totally unsolicited opinion. Once this type of offender has unleashed this negativity stank into your otherwise bird-chirpy world and can see how much you don’t seem to appreciate their so-called sacrifice, they often times follow it up with the phrase, “I’m just being honest.” It’s sort of like having your pet come in from the backyard and placing a dead bird or mouse at your feet. It’s one thing when you ask for an individual’s opinion and don’t like what you hear. Quite another having the bomb dropped on you from out of nowhere. That precious gift they’re so proud to present to you is really nothing more than a hate grenade badly camouflaged with an ill-fitting, self-help kimono. True or not – if you pass along an unsolicited negative nugget of so-called wisdom to a friend or co-worker, using the guise of honesty as your shield – you’re not being either truthful or helpful…merely rude.
Seriously…I’m just being honest! : )
I’m sure most have you have heard the song by Enrique Iglesias, Tonight I’m F**kin’ You, featuring Ludacris. It’s been all over the airwaves this past summer, though they g-rated a mainstream radio version changing F**kin’ to Lovin’. Me being my usual potty-mouthed self, purchased the version with the naughty words. I loved that song! I listened to it all day, every day – most specially while getting myself ready for when he’d be swinging by my house to make good on his threat. As each Tonight came and went without Enrique stopping by to f**k me, I began to get a little more frustrated, as most of you can probably imagine. True – the man never specifically mentions in the song which night he’ll be coming by, but sheesh – how long can one gay wait? I’m considering suing for damages inflicted by my now severe case of DMDD (Dysmorphic-Melodrama-Disappointment-Disorder).
Seriously…Enrique…you cut me. Don’t say things you don’t mean! It like, totally hurts, dude!
It could just be me, though I somehow doubt that to be the case, but is anyone else out there completely over the onslaught of R-TV programming that’s being thrust upon us at every opportunity? Some days I fear I’m one more – now-D-list-celebrity-from-the-90’s – reality show away from thrusting my own head through the television set. If that weren’t bad enough, we’re now forced to bear witness to the 90210-style exploits of the unfortunately wealthy. Does anyone actually keep up with the Kardashians? Is there truly such a shortage of interesting people out there that CBS is now forced to regurgitate the same contestants over and over again for Survivor, The Amazing Race, and Big Brother or can they simply no longer find anyone else who’s willing to participate? I realize these shows cost a lot less for studios to produce, but holy hell it’s so depressing! It’s a sad state of affairs when I find myself looking forward to the return of the summer television season for interesting shows to watch.
Seriously…do people really like them or is our desperation the motivating factor behind the popularity of the eighteenth spin-off of CSI or Law and Order? I’m holding out for NCIS Alaska. Somebody needs to be keeping an eye on those “Evil Russians” Sarah Palin can see from her backyard, yo!
Well as you can surely see by now, I have a whole lot of exceedingly important topics filling my mind-plate! I was more than happy I could share a heaping helping of it with all of you! Remember this moment kiddies. Whenever life is kicking you in the cootchie and you feel as if things can’t get any worse…come find me! I’ll have you distracted with butt-loads of silly crap in no time at all. 😈
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