Greetings one and all! Despite what Wave has likely told you, I’m thrilled to be back on the site spewing my very own special words of wisdom. Sigh…I do love to spew. While grappling with what topic I wanted to discuss with you guys today, I considered many things. Some of them even more serious in nature, like about writing and stuff. But after much soul searching and careful consideration, I came to the realization there were already plenty of great writers who frequent the hallowed halls of Jessewave who already do that sort of thing for you and way better than I ever could. I therefore decided to stick with what I know…tacky dick jokes and bawdy humor… at my own expense if necessary. With that in mind, I went to something old that’s kinda new again, at least for me.
Yes, yes, for once the rumors are true, after a very long sabbatical from making any attempt to date or be dated or anything in between, I recently decided to dip my toe back into the murky waters. I’m not sure if it’s a decision completely fueled by an actual desire to meet a man and fall in love, or more selfishly to fuel the fodder for my future fiction. Don’t be giving me that withering stare of disapproval. The muse can be a fickle bitch…it never hurts to have a little back-up, people. 😀 If I find a husband along the way…bonus! That doesn’t mean I’ve taken to bar hoping or any such nonsense – I spent 10 years working as a bartender…lord knows I’ve seen all there is to see with regard to that…and if I haven’t god help us all, ‘cause I’d rather not.
Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy my time slinging drinks in a gay bar, but certain things tend to become an annoyance after so long. For instance, you probably didn’t know that there’s apparently no such thing as an innocent smile in a gay bar. Intent be dammed, in Homo-land, the bar smile becomes automatically downgraded to nothing more than a guy workin’ it for some cock – even for the guys working in the bar. In any other hospitality or service setting, you’re trained to be friendly and treat others to a flash of those pearly whites. In a gay bar that’s cruising. It explains why so many gay men who tend bar often seem so surly. Every time they smile at someone it can be perceived as a come-on. Some work that angle quite nicely, while others just can’t deal – hence Mr. Sourpuss serving up your Amaretto Sours.
It’s sad how bartenders as a species, are typically considered to be of loose moral character, which is somewhat unfair. Hello – whatever happened to that whole innocent until proven guilty stuff? I mean really…it has more to do with opportunity and access than anything else. What would you want to do after spending the night watching other people drink and have a good time? The same thing, probably. Unfortunately, since most of the people are already drunk by the time your friendly neighborhood bartender gets off work – and we all know drunk people are annoying unless you are as well – it’s only natural for any bartender to want to stick something in their mouths to shut them up. See…it all makes complete and total sense now, right? Bartenders are like superheroes, saving the world from blabbering drunkards one blowjob at a time.
Of course there are other ways to meet guys these days. In addition to taking a cruise down to your local pub in hopes of reeling in the catch of the day, there’s also the amazingly varied and uniquely bizarro world of online chatting/dating/hooking up. I mean seriously…name one other occasion where people choose something THAT important based on so little intel? Winning the mega jackpot doesn’t seem quite so unrealistic in comparison, does it?
One thing that hasn’t changed and still never ceases to amaze me about online chatting, are the profiles. You probably think I’m getting ready to start waxing snarkastic about penis size and waistlines…but I’m not. Only an idiot would expect information provided by a man about himself to be 100% accurate.
When it comes to the inaccuracy of penis size, I blame two things…navigation and auto makers. Centuries of readings maps – where an inch long line is supposed to equal a mile? Then there are those pesky passenger side mirrors where objects appear closer than they really are. It’s no wonder dudes can’t manage any semblance of precision when describing stuff, you know? From my own personal perspective, I’ve never minded all that much, as despite what all of you may think, I’m really not a size queen. My motto has always been, so long as it works…it’s in…no pun intended. 😀
But the thing about dating profiles I find most perplexing are these guys who claim to be there For Chat Only – the ones who state they are only there to meet people and possibly find a relationship. Now let me clarify that I don’t give a damn what people do or why they do it. If you like banging a different dude every night, that’s cool by me, just say so. I’ve never been the judgey type, I swear. If it makes you happy, I’m all for it. Just don’t get pissy with me if I decline.
Perhaps it’s my fault, and I’m merely frequenting the wrong chat sites, but what I find slightly disturbing are these guys who say they’re only there to chat – yet the first question asked is, how big is your cock and would you like to come over and do the nasty? Now let me make one thing perfectly clear – anytime a guy wants to stick something inside me, I’m ALWAYS flattered. And I mean like…ALWAYS. 😆
Seriously, I cannot think of a better compliment, lol.
However, despite the realization that I shouldn’t, as it’s the nature of the gay beast, I still find it difficult to understand why I get hungry cock-mongers messaging me to begin with because my profile always states that I’m not there to hook-up. It makes sense I suppose, considering these boys usually have the same listed on their profile and apparently don’t mean it. I guess that makes me the idiot. It couldn’t possibly be some sort of reverse psychology nonsense could it? Would stating, Now boarding all passengers up my ass, 😮 be the super-secret phrase which would mean never getting hit up for sex? Probably not, but I’ll admit to never having actually given that one a try.
I have nothing against The Hook-Up, in theory. It makes for quite the nice fantasy when I’m having my special Ethan-alone-time. 😀 The reality for me however, has never been able to live up to the fantasy. I just don’t do well in a live-action sexual setting with a total stranger. I get nervous, which leads to clumsiness and bad coordination. I’m all elbows in the face and other forms of odd, spastic gymnastics. I literally fell off the bed once after going back to a hotel room with a cast member from the traveling production of Beauty and the Beast. He wasn’t starring as the Beast, but I imagine he felt like one by the time I was through ruining his evening, lol. It’s the kind of shit that often makes for comedy gold in my style of romance, but is seldom a turn-on to Mr. One-night Mike. The moral I have learned over the years, is that until I get to know the guy, it’s safest for everyone involved if I drink heavily before attempting any sort of 9 ½ Weeks kinda mojo. An admission meant to clarify I’m neither pious nor holier-than-thou, merely a spaz.
Another thing I find hysterical about the online chatting community are these guys who use photos of themselves naked and spread eagled with their assholes thrust into the air for their profile pics. What is up with that? Your way of pictorially attempting to tell the world you’re actually an asshole? I’m praying it’s merely an individual’s way of stating they aren’t looking to fulfill anything outside of their bung-hole, as I’ve yet to see any asshole I’d enjoy staring longingly at across the dinner table. I strongly suspect these are the same types of guys who do moronic things such as bleaching their assholes. It’s disheartening and a sad, sad commentary on our times to discover that asshole bigotry is on the rise! Is this truly all people have to worry about and if so…can I swap lives with them?
Since I didn’t want to leave you with the impression that I’m all asshole and nothing more, I figured a quick tidbit about the other side of the coin wouldn’t go unappreciated. But unfortunately cock pics don’t seem to be faring much better with regard to the online dating world. Let’s just say I have a deeper appreciation for professional photography after checking out some of the pricks in people’s profiles. Proper lighting really is everything. 😎
These musings are merely some of the little oddities which I find amusing and confusing when it comes to the men who are of the gayness. I imagine some of you have your own head-scratchers, some with lists longer than others I’d venture to guess, 😆 . I invite you all to share them with me here, should you feel inclined to do so. Sharing is caring after all.