Coming Out to Your Parents …… by Cody Hecht

Cody Hecht, who you met yesterday, is our newest guest contributor. I invited Cody to give us his perspective as a young adult, and he brings a fresh point of view to the issues that affect gay youth, a huge part of our community and population. This is a new direction for this site because Cody is much younger than the other contributors and his outlook will be quite different as he will be talking from his own experience as a gay young adult directly to his peers. Adults can learn a lot from Cody who seems to be wise beyond his years. I’m hoping that teens and young adults will also read his posts since this site is not restricted.

Here’s Cody’s first post:


Cody

Hello, my name is Cody Hecht and I’m eighteen. I was asked to write a series of posts from the perspective of a gay young adult. In this first installment, I am addressing the most difficult issue that gay teens must deal with, at least in my opinion. That is, coming out to their sometimes unsupportive parents. Through my spearheading of the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) at my local high school I have talked with many gay and lesbian teens who have come out to their parents, all with vastly different stories. From heartwarming acceptance and love, to soul crushing hate and ignorance.  It is my goal in this article to help teens who are coming out to their parents deal with whatever may come their way.

Oftentimes I have heard that the biggest obstacle in coming out to parents is that many have no idea how they will react. My advice in order to combat this is to bring up the issue of gay rights in a nonchalant way, maybe say that other kids in school were talking about it, and gauge their reaction to that. If it is a positive reaction, then that’s awesome. That’s a parent that would probably be accepting of having an LGBT child. In this scenario, I would say go for it. Coming out to your parents will probably just bring you closer together, because now you are open and honest with yourself around them.

The bigger issue, and the one I would really like to discuss, is how and if to come out to parents who you know will be unaccepting, or perhaps just ignorant, about having a gay child. The first thing I always asked in a scenario like this is whether or not coming out to their parents would endanger their safety. If you think your physical or emotional wellbeing will be jeopardized by coming out to your parents, you may want to wait until a more proper time. A great time to come out to parents like this is when you leave for college. You can be yourself while there, and your parents can come to terms with your coming out while you’re safely out of reaching distance. If you feel comfortable enough, another option is education. For many people the reason that they don’t want a gay child is ignorance. I would recommend PFLAG, they are an amazing organization that help parents come to terms in a healthy and mature way with the fact that their child is gay. I always recommend that any parent of a child that has recently come out of the closet attend at least one PFLAG meeting.

If there’s one piece of advice I could give every gay kid out there who is dealing with parents who are giving them a hard time for being gay, or who have parents they don’t feel comfortable coming out to, it would be this: The world is changing rapidly; the majority is starting to support us and our rights. Things WILL get better for you, just as Dan Savage said. The rest of the world doesn’t think as your parents do. There are people out there, including me, who love and accept you for being just the way that you are. There is nothing wrong with you; it’s the haters that are wrong. You will find love and happiness.

Cody’s email: codyhecht93 [at] gmail [dot] com

If you know a teen or young adult who might be in crisis or who needs help I urge you to direct them to the various help sites such as The Trevor Project website: Toll free: 1-866-488 7386, OR Suicide/Kids Helpline: 1-800-668-6868 OR Kids Helpline Website

27 comments

  • Cody, Thanks for mentioning PFLAG. I’ve been on the Board of our local chapter for about 22 years. Through those years I’ve watched many, many parents move along the road toward acceptance and celebration of their LGBT loved ones. In some cases, those parents then become active and help the next “generation” of parents along their own paths.

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  • Wonderfully written and well said! Cody, you might just have a bit of your mom’s talent and that would be more than most!
    Keep writing.
    It’s important for all of us to hear from you.
    And I enjoyed meeting you at RT.

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  • Great post Cody & very timely. I just finished Light Outside The Closet by your mom Stephani Hecht. Although it’s a work of fiction, I was appalled at the familial attitudes towards their gay children and realized that these situations happen in real life. Bless you for making a difference at such a young age. There’s no limit to the good you’ll do.

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  • What a fantastic post, Cody. You are one wise teen. I never understood how a parent could fail to love their child unconditionally, but you’re right, the reality is that kids need to be careful. Which is sad. Kids should feel free to talk to their parents about anything, without fear.

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  • Great post- As a parent myself I just don’t understand how other parents can have such negative attitudes when their child tells them something so important about themself. That child looking at you telling you how they feel and who they are attracted to does not define who they are- big deal a boy likes another boy, so freaking what a girl likes another girl- they are still that same child you gave birth to (or adopted) and have LOVED since they came into your life. A parents love should be unconditional and your child should have the right to decide who they want to be with but more importantly a child or young adult should have the right to live their own life

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  • Great post, Cody! I’m looking forward to seeing more of your thoughts and insights. Your comment about parents who will be unaccepting or ignorant reminded me of a wonderful post I read recently. If you haven’t already seen it, you might want to check out A Teen’s Brave Response to “I’m Christian, Unless You’re Gay”

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    • Thanks for sharing the link, jeayci. I’m still sniffling from reading that article. I’ve left many a church, never to return, after hearing words of hate there. But they’re not all like that. And slowly, by standing up for what we believe in, we start to change the world around us.

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