Let me begin by saying what an incredible job you do! Keeping track of whose naughty and nice…micromanaging a gaggle of elves…all that peak holiday travel time, and all while totally rocking a red felt suit? Color me impressed, Big Daddy. I have no doubt you make the heart of many a cub out there pitter-patter in anticipation…all of them waiting patiently, well-hung, by the chimney with care, praying and hoping you soon will be there. You sexy beast…woof! ; )
Now, as you no doubt know, I’ve been a very good boy this past year and worked real, real hard. Nevertheless, I’ve decided to send you a letter this time around, hoping you and I can streamline the process and prevent the debacle of yet another Christmas morning disappointment like those of years gone by. I know…I know…I too loathe continually being forced to rehash the past, but you know what they say about those who choose to ignore it?
I did however want to stay true to the traditional format, which is why I’m very excited to present you with my official Ethan Day Christmas List. Without further ado, the following is what I’m hoping to find under my tree this year:
Numero uno on my Christmas wish list is…dick. Let me be clear – I’m referring to the type of dick that didn’t come factory installed. Fell for that one last year! Fool me once, shame on you…I’m sure you can remember the rest. So this year, I’m hoping to find my Christmas dick attached to a smoking hot stud who knows just how to use it – and I don’t particularly care whether he’s naughty or nice (if you catch my drift). Not to be greedy or anything, but I wouldn’t exactly be disappointed were he to come fully equipped with a red leather cock ring…just throwing that out there.
Now that I’ve taken a short break to imagine all the things I’d do with the first item on my list, I’ll move on to the second, which would have to be…more dick. Let’s face it, sex is like peeing, once you break the seal you gotta go again and again…and maybe even again if the parties involved can take it. Don’t look at me with that raised eyebrow of disbelief, Santa…it’s called the power of positive thinking! Sheesh. I hate to be the one to have to say this, but living year round in the Arctic with nothing but those elves has made you a teensy bit judgmental and a little sarcastic. That may seem harsh, but someone needs to keep it real with you. Please keep that in mind when considering my wish list. I’d hate to be penalized simply for telling the truth.
But back to my list and the third item on it, which would be a repeat performance from bachelor number one ’cause that shit was hawt! Holy hell, I’m really on a roll now!
To heck with it, the fourth item on my Christmas list is yet another round of fresh dick, please!!!
Oh yeah, baby…make me beg for it! Wow…that’s hot!!! I might need a minute to…wait…hold on, damn it…who are you kidding Slutinska, (the name I’d give myself were I a Romanian Gymnast or a world class Figure Skater) you’ll take the one dick, and be satisfied, you got that, greedo?!? Hopefully satisfied multiple times over but really…get a hold of yourself already!
Wipes brow…along with one or two other moist-like areas.
Wow…okay…that was intense, but if we could backtrack for just a moment, I’d like to also ask if people would stop hating on Slutinska – that ho is totally misunderstood. I mean really – when he asked to have some pipe laid, he was thinking hard-on not Hard-ing – with a lead pipe in the knee a la Nancy Kerrigan – in the ballroom no less! Life can be so cruel for the truly Clue-less.
Now I recognize I may have gone off the rails a bit and gotten a little out of hand asking for too much dick, Santa, but you know what they say about starvation dieting! Nevertheless, I apologize. It was wrong and I take most of it back. I would be happy with the one special guy, preferably one with a red leather cock ring and a heart of gold, please. He could have a black leather cock ring instead, but the red felt a little more festive and Christmas-y, you know? But I digress.
Now that the sex haze has passed and I’ve regained control of myself…um…I can hear you chuckling Santa! So not cool!!! Those trickster elves of yours are a bad influence. But I suppose I should get back to the list, huh? Not like you have all day to waste on lil’ ole me.
While I don’t want to give you the wrong impression, ‘cause I’ve never considered myself overly sensitive on the subject, it wouldn’t exactly hurt to have a decent anti-wrinkle cream on hand. I’ve always felt that a few strategically placed wrinkles on a man was kinda hot, but I don’t wanna go all crazy or anything. A few cracks in the façade can add character, but we don’t want the face to look like a slum lord has purchased the property and now does little-to-no upkeep on the joint. Not cool, dude!
Gotta keep Mr. Golden-heart happy once I have him. : )
Now this next item on the list isn’t just for me, though it certainly could benefit me, so it’s not completely selfless. However, I do think it’s well overdue, big guy, so if you could pull up your boot straps and bring on the Homo-Renaissance already, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’m not just talking books, Santa, let’s shoot for the moon and go for TV, movies, stage productions…and hell, throw in more music where gay guys and gals don’t have to pretend to be singing to the opposite sex! It sounds all crazy and stuff, I know, but hear me out, Santa! Just think about all those kids out there in the world trying to come to terms with the fact that they’re gay – don’t you think it’d be way easier for them to accept who they are if they could fire up their television or iPad and see some role models mirrored back from that high-def screen? Might make them feel a little less alone in the world? Something to think about?
I do also have one Honorable Mention on my list, which would of course be, World Peace. I’m not totally shallow, people, and while yes, World Peace didn’t quite manage to break into the top five of my initial ‘all-dick-extravaganza’, I was merely attempting to keep things a bit more realistic. I stopped believing in miracles a long time ago…even Christmas miracles! As a waifish child, Slutinska never did get a Rainbow Dash, after all, and it’s difficult coming back from that sort of My Little Pony heart break!
Still, it does bear mentioning, just in case. Never hurts to ask, right? So if you have any magical fairy dust lying around…or magical elf dust, as the case may be…feel free to sprinkle that shit the world over while you’re out globetrotting, you big round, red stud! If for even one day we could bury all the hate and allow one another to just be, well, that would truly be something. You’d totally be my hero! I mean…I’d still like the dick, mind you, but I’d totally forego the wrinkle cream for that! : )
Above all else, I’d like to wish a safe and Happy Holiday Season to one and all!
Much Merry Love!