Merry Christmas everyone!!! Here at Chez Goode we have a tradition of attending midnight mass at Saint Andrews with my two besties, Rick and Freddy!! Well, we had a tradition…till last year…when I may have inadvertently let a certain cat…a certain gay cat out of the bag…to the new parish priest…ahem….
And so this year, the conversation concerning midnight mass might have gone something like this:
Me: So, when is midnight mass?
Rick: Dear god! Uh…midnight? Why I put up with you is beyond me! And why do you care anyway, you’re not coming with us.
Me: What? Silly! Of course I’m coming—look I bought catholic clothes and everything.
Rick: You bought catholic what? No, never mind, don’t speak—the answer is no. No church, no mass, no Sam-no, just no!
Me: Is this about last year? I told you it was an honest mistake!
Rick: Says the woman who “mistakenly” ruined my life single handedly!
Me: Oh please!! Sometimes you are so gay!
Rick: That’s it—I give up! You deal with her!
Freddy: (best friend’s gay significant other) Now Rick honey, you know she meant well. I mean who knew? You have to admit that Father Lawler was pretty damn stealthy. Wait…can I use a curse word while talking about a priest? Am I going to go to hell now?
Me: Oh my god! Quick, take it back! I don’t want you to go to hell! Who will help me redecorate heaven? I mean sure God tries and all but he’s not gay!
Freddy: Oh sweetie, you have so much to learn (patting me on the shoulder) of course God’s a gay—I mean, look at those fabulous angels and seraphs—who could possibly pull that off if he weren’t gay?? Certainly not a straight man, let me tell you!
Rick: (quite possibly groaning and clutching his head in both hands) Dear god—crazy meet crazy! What in the hell are you two talking about? Don’t answer that! Now listen Sam, you are not coming to another Christmas Eve service with us. I’m amazed we’re even allowed back in the door at St. Andrews after what you did last Christmas!
Me: But…but…but, I love Christmas Eve mass. Freddy, can’t I go, pretty please?
Freddy: Awww Rick, look at her, all weepy and sorry—c’mon honey, let her come with us.
Rick: No thank you! No more crazy town on Christmas Eve for this boy—uh-uh! And that’s final!
And so I sit here, dear friends bereft…churchless…and, yet, looking rather fabulous in the latest catholic couture!! What’s that? You’re wondering what may have happened last year to make my best gay friend in the entire world ban me from our annual catholic blessing and fabulous petite candle with its cardboard holder?
It kind of went like this:
Me: (waving fabulous petite candle about) And then Freddie, just as I was about to buy the big pink dildo do you know what that boyfriend of your said?
Freddie: (trying to grab the lit candle) Uh Sammy honey, Ixne on the boyfriend-a…no one knows about us here.
Me: What? Why are you trying to take my candle? Oh isn’t it so pretty? Damn if these Catholics do not give the cutest darn door prizes!! Anyhoo, where was I? Hmmm oh right! The dildo and that big flaming boyfriend of yours! I swear could he be any gayer when shopping in a leather store?
Freddie: Sam! Shhh—honey, you have to whisper Sam—the new priest might hear you and he doesn’t know we’re…
Me: What? Who? Oh you mean that big hunk of hot man meat in that clever little collar standing right behind you? Yoo-hoo—Father Lawman, is it? How lovely to meet you! Do you know my gay best friend’s boyfriend, Freddy?
So you see, dear friends, I obviously did nothing wrong—I mean who knew catholic priests were so touchy about that old gay thing? Anyhoo…I just wanted to stop by and wish you all the very happiest of holiday seasons! Uhm…and if you happen to be going to midnight mass later on, might you have room for one more?
*A quick note: I just wanted to thank you all for allowing me to drop by with a story here and there over the last year or so. It has been so much fun being here with all of you. And Wave, darling? I’m coming down your chimney tonight—me and the Friday boys want to help you ring in the New Year!!
Merry Christmas everyone!!